Jornal de Simille, 23 ago 08

Had to work today, and got my schedule for next week--they've cut me down to 4 days instead of 5. Not good. When a company struggles the first controllable expense they cut is payroll (CVS is doing fine, just sales are down 'cause of the economy). I'm trying to look at this as a positive (who wouldn't like more time off from work?)--but at the same time, the crappy hours I'm getting now and then the loss of some of those crappy hours are bringing to the forefront a general discontent with retail that I have had for a long time. As I commented on CobraFan's journal, it's amazing how changing my size is changing other areas of my life. Because I feel better I'm feeling happier and much more calm as a whole, but because I am realizing that I don't have to accept the status quo that I have set for myself I'm becoming less happy and content with situations I don't like--my job being the main one. The bottom line is that I don't want to do this anymore, and I haven't for a long time, but the fear that I have always carried with me has kept me from striving for anything beyond mediocrity. I've always assumed that my lack of motivation in finding more fulfilling employment surrounds not having a college degree. I'm beginning to think that I've also been quietly whispering to myself in the background that I'm not worth something more fulfilling--look at you, you can't even get the motivation to change your eating, the one thing you can control--and that I have been hiding behind practical reasons (no degree) instead of facing the real reason--that I don't feel like I can convince anyone that I have something to offer their company because I am not beautiful enough--which translates into good enough. I've realized that I've been assuming that people will not be interested in me because my appearance shows them that I am not in control of myself--and I've spent years building a facade of comfort with my appearance in order to keep from having to do something about it and then become someone that people will expect more from. WOW! These thoughts have been floating around in my little noggin for days now, but this is the first time I have actually seen them as something concrete--and concrete this stinkin' thinkin' has become. I have put concrete blocks on my feet and concrete weights on my back to keep my wings from spreading and taking flight! I have tried to discuss these ideas with fiance, but, bless his heart, he can't really process it--he thinks that I am perfect the way am or any way I want to be, which is frustrating sometimes, but I can't expect him to be everything I need (a counselor/motivator/head smacker) and I'm grateful that he is what we all need, a cheerleader (he's got great legs by the way!)--so I come to FS to dump all of this because y'all understand, and for that I am grateful too! So, I've been wordy today, and not much fun, but this is a GIGANTIC revelation for me--thanks for being patient!