Hello everybody! I had a fantastic time on vacation! My family and I went to Ocean City, Maryland for a week. Despite that all too familiar meddling concern about how much I was going to gain on holiday, I threw caution to the wind and had an absolutely delightful and indulgent time. What the hell ;)
As you all know, Maryland is definitely known for their seafood! We enjoyed a feast all week of lobster, shrimp, crab cakes, and cream of lobster soup. I indulged in the cream of lobster soup in addition to jerk chicken, shrimp, crab cakes, Thrasher's french fries, chicken parmesan, and pizza during my week. There was a copious amount of drinking paired with these dishes or in between. I felt like I have been drinking the whole trip. I told my mom that it was to keep up with my siblings. They can imbibe like champions when they are on holiday. I tried my best to keep up with them. We ended up having a safe and fabulous time.
I did everything I could to exercise as much as I could. I walked the boardwalk twice that week. I plowed through the sand which is a workout in and of itself. I jumped waves in the ocean. I pushed my mom around in her wheelchair. I did everything I could to exercise to combat the indulgent eating and drinking.
There were a few negative experiences while I was at the shore. I was wearing a bathing suit that I felt confident wearing. I was walking down the boardwalk, and I swore that a group of people were laughing at me overtly even while I was walking with my brother and sister. I was just walking from the beach to the motel which was located right on the boardwalk.
Another experience was when we were out to dinner one evening. I was wearing my yellow floral maxi dress and felt extremely confident and sexy. The restaurant was located on the bay. After I finished dinner, I looked out at the bay to take some pictures of the scenery. I overheard two ladies at a nearby table. They had to be senior citizens. One lady told the other lady, "She is too fat to be wearing that dress." The other lady responded, "It is a very pretty dress." That knocked me down a little bit. I walked back to the table and my lighthearted mood shifted. I became very quiet. I think my sister realized that my demeanor changed. I didn't let on what happened though. I excused myself to the bathroom and obsessed over the full-length mirror. :( I told myself to NOT WORRY ABOUT THESE RUDE WOMEN BECAUSE I LOVED THE DRESS AND STILL LOVE IT. It felt like I gained 3 sizes in the mirror in despair. I held my head high and sashayed that gorgeous yellow floral supermodel, IMAN (David Bowie's wife) dress right back to the table. It's really tough being criticized when people do not stop to think how far you have come. They don't know how much you have succeeded so far. I would have given these people a piece of my mind. I did not want to make a scene especially at a nice dinner with the family. I pushed it all down and tried to enjoy the rest of the evening.
I wasn't going to bring up what I thought I heard down the shore. Who knows - it may not have been about me. If I was going to say that my time down the shore was 100% perfect, it wasn't. It was about 95% fabulous and that's a pretty high number. Again, I want to make this as candid as possible. This is just what we go through every day of our lives. It's cruel. I vow that I will never treat people as such. Sadly, we're not cut from the same cloth.
We are back from the shore and I miss it already. I loved that I was able to get around and participate in more activities. About 2 years ago, we took a vacation to Wildwood. I would barely leave the motel room. I chilled with my mother in the room, ordered delivery pizza the whole time, and watched tv. I didn't get out. I didn't walk around. I didn't see the usual sights that I have enjoyed in Wildwood since I was a child. I had zero energy. I think the only activity I enjoyed from that trip was taking my siblings' dog to a local dog park down the shore. I initially protested to that suggestion, because my siblings told me that we would walk there instead of taking the car and parking. It was really bad that year. I hit my all time lowest (Er, highest). I promise that I bring this up to express the stark difference from that particular year to this year. During this vacation, my brother suggested that we experience parasailing. I was over the moon excited about it, but we had such a jam packed schedule that we decided to go on the next vacation. It's just amazing how much of a difference in vitality that I achieved this year compared to a previous year when I barely wanted to get out of bed except to order pizza from my motel room.
I am not sure that many people would care to admit these things. I don't really know if I can tell somebody to their face how despondent I had become. I know that I never want to go back there again. Ever. I am being very candid, because I want everybody to know with like goals and emotions that I know what you are going through. I want to paint pictures of my struggles and how I overcame, how I am struggling right now and how I am doing everything I can to plow through in healthy and rational ways. It's not just about the physical - it's everything. It's the painfully embedded scars, it's the stares and laughing whispers, the people that we encounter every day, the struggles that hinder our confidence....
I have to remind myself and perhaps remind you that at the end, it has nothing to do with our journeys. It all comes down to us. Will these outside forces control over lives or will we take charge and keep plowing forth? Love yourself even when you feel like the world cannot seem to stop talking about you. 💗💪
By the way, there is a part of me that is very happy to be back from the shore! I am back to the protein shakes and the gym! I feel more focused than ever!
