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30 agosto 2018

(This is not a weigh-in)

Update! I'm so happy! I ate the congee!
But of course, not on my free will. Turns out, the congee WAS on my meal plan. My dietician simply forgot to write it down! When I found out, I was so happy and couldn't stop smiling for the entire duration I was eating the congee for. It was delicious. I wanted to eat it so much. And when I could finally eat it without the guilt that it wasn't on my meal plan... oh it was amazing!
It's interesting how when you give in to your cravings, you feel so much happier.
I'm still hungry right now - not extremely - but still hungry. It's okay though. I have evening snack in about an hour, so I'll last. I am glad I didn't eat the saltine crackers though.
I'll give another update before or after evening snack.

Peso:	Perdidos até agora:	Ainda faltam:	Dieta cumprida:
39,9 kg	5,3 kg	0 kg	Razoavelmente Bem

Adicionar Comentário peso estável

29 agosto 2018

Inpatient at a hospital after a 10-day vacation and diagnosed with anorexia nervosa.

Ate about 1700 calories today.

Peso:	Perdidos até agora:	Ainda faltam:	Dieta cumprida:
39,9 kg	5,3 kg	0 kg	Razoavelmente Bem

(2 comentários) A Perder 2,0 kg por Semana

18 agosto 2018

I don't know how I feel.

I'm taking a break. Going on vacation with my family for 11 days. I hope it helps clear my mind.

I don't know.

I hope anorexia doesn't ruin everything.

Peso:	Perdidos até agora:	Ainda faltam:	Dieta cumprida:
43 kg	2,2 kg	0 kg	Razoavelmente Bem

Adicionar Comentário A Ganhar 4,0 kg por Semana

15 agosto 2018

(This is not a weigh-in)

I'm not in a good mood today. I want to start restricting again. It's hard for me to convince myself I need to eat. Do I need the food? Do I really need 1800 calories? I know the correct answers; yes to both. But I really don't think it's necessary. I don't want to eat today. I want to restrict so badly.

Things have been changing so quickly. For the better. And anorexia hates them. I've been getting cravings and hungry. I'm not use to those feelings, and I don't know how to deal with them. Sometimes I hate them. I get bloated and feel full so easily now. It's really uncomfortable. I know this is wrong, but I like it when my stomach feels empty. I like it when I'm hungry and restricting. I like that feeling.

I've eaten around 1800 calories for the last two days. And honestly, it's exhausting. I don't want to eat that much. I really don't.

Days like today, I really don't want to try. I don't want to recover.

But I must. I have to keep pushing. Even if I don't want to. Especially if I don't want to. I have to do it. For my mom. For my dad. For my sister. For me.

These are all things I tell myself. But it's hard.

I'm scared of letting go of anorexia. Who am I without her? What was my life before her? I can't imagine living without her.

I'm so conflicted. I know what's right; eating. But I don't want to.

Today's going to be a hard day.

Does anyone have any advice?

(I'm sorry for all the negativity in this long rant, but I really just need to get these thoughts out)

Peso:	Perdidos até agora:	Ainda faltam:	Dieta cumprida:
41,3 kg	3,9 kg	0 kg	Razoavelmente Bem

(7 comentários) peso estável

13 agosto 2018

I can't believe my weight is increasing so quickly.

Part of me is so happy.

But anorexia is mad that everything's going so smoothly. She doesn't understand how I'm recovering so fast.

Thursday was complicated for me. It was the first time I felt hunger in about 4 months. It felt so strange; the feeling was so foreign to me. I also have cravings now. And I don't know how to deal with them. I don't understand hunger and cravings. I haven't had them in forever.

All these things are happening so quickly, and anorexia wants to slow it down. She's succeeded a couple of times and I still have trouble not restricting myself. She's telling me I'm not "anorexic enough." And to be honest, part of me believes her. Part of me doesn't want to let go of her.

My calorie goal from today until Friday is 1800.

Peso:	Perdidos até agora:	Ainda faltam:	Dieta cumprida:
41,3 kg	3,9 kg	0 kg	Razoavelmente Bem

(7 comentários) A Ganhar 2,3 kg por Semana

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